Financial trust = better sex?
A Money poll found that 88% of millennials prized financial responsibility in a partner, ranking right up there with humor and intellectual compatibility. And, here’s the fun part – those who trust their partner with money reported better sex lives. Definitely something to work toward. The implications of financial well-being in your relationship have far-reaching benefits. 😉
Such a fun way to look at relationships and money! Yet, finances can impact a relationship in negative ways that go far beyond the bedroom. Statistics show money stress as one of the major issues leading to divorce.
Could it be that our unwillingness to even bring up the topic of money in a conversation plays into this statistic?
Many people would rather talk about their bodily functions than talk about their finances.
Granted, it’s one thing to not discuss finances with strangers you meet on the street. But, according to the American Psychological Association, just 37% of people talk about money with their own family members. Additionally, 31% of people report money as a source of conflict in their relationship.
The same report went on to show financial stress levels are significantly higher among people without any perceived emotional support. So, money is a source of stress and stress increases when we don’t have support, yet we are unwilling to even talk about money to get the support we feel we are lacking. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
A lack of communication about money is just the tip of the iceberg for some, though. One in three adults have reported being dishonest with their partner about money.
Like it or not, money plays a huge role in our relationships. Sweeping it under the rug and pretending like it’s not there doesn’t work.
This weekend, I encourage you to have a money conversation with your partner. I know, that sounds so boring. So, let’s call it a hot money date instead.
You don’t have to sit down with the calculator, a pile of bills and receipts and get down to the nitty gritty. If you’ve never had money conversations with your partner, start on a lighter note. Simply get the conversation started.
Plan a hot money date
Choose a neutral/happy time to have discussion
When you’re in the heat of an argument is not the time to have a money conversation. Set aside a time on the weekend when you are relaxed.
Make it a date
Consider it a date over a glass of wine. Keep it light. When you are just beginning to have money conversations, it’s best to start off just trying to get to know each other’s thoughts and feelings about money.
Take turns talking and listening
Listen to what your partner is saying without interruption. Defensiveness or accusations should not be part of the conversation (agree on this prior to your date). This is just a starter conversation to see where you both are and what steps may be next.
Get to know each other…financially
You probably already know (or at least have an idea) how your partner uses his/her money, but you may not know his/her thoughts, fears, or background on money. Everyone learned different information and philosophies about money growing up. Your childhood experiences with money have a huge impact on how you think and feel about it. It’s important to gain an understanding of where you and your partner are both coming from.
Discuss each person’s hopes and dreams
How does money play into these hopes and dreams? Identify life goals and see if you can work them into combined goals. When you have a combined goal, you’ll become a team and can more easily work on the goal together. This will strengthen your finances and your relationship.
Discuss concerns
Concerns may come up, even if you don’t intend to bring them up. Again, leave defensiveness and accusations out of it and actually listen to each other if concerns arise.
Consider taking a break and coming back to concerns later. Make a list of issues, fears, and other topics around money that you each want to address and put a “pin” in it. Which leads me to…
Plan another conversation
Make plans for future money dates and/or nitty gritty personal finance work you will do. Consider the hopes and dreams you both have and what steps you need to take to start working toward them. Or set a time do net worth or track expenses for a month. Whatever you decide to do, continue to communicate and plan. Make it a regular, weekly date.
If your partner was a little hesitant about starting the conversation, show your appreciation for their willingness to take part. Show your understanding that money conversations can be uncomfortable, while sharing why you think it’s important to your relationship and your finances.
Starting the money conversation….
Don’t know where to start? Here are some ideas:
Each partner answers the question “How would you spend $100,000?”. This is a fun icebreaker from How We Money to get a money conversation started with your partner.
Read a book separately and come together to discuss it. This suggestion comes from Apathy Ends – he and his wife each read Smart Couples Finish Rich
Think 5 years into the future. Ask “What do you want your life to look like 5 years from now?”. You and your partner share what you would like your lives to look like at that point and what you need to do, financially and otherwise, to get there.
Do you and your partner discuss money? How do you get the conversation started? What works and what doesn’t?
Some tools I use myself that you may find helpful:
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account.
Thanks for the shout out!
It’s been awhile since we did this exercise and our lives have changed considerably- might be time to setup a few more Money Dates!
I love the idea! I need to find a book my husband and I can read together and discuss. We like to have money dates – it helps us stay on the same page and talk about our joint financial goals.
Great idea, Amanda, hopefully those afraid to broach the topic can muster the confidence. My wife and I have “hot money dates” fairly regularly (think weekly) where we keep tabs on not only our income and expenses but also how are investments are performing, etc. Everything is on the table and we talk about whatever is relevant at the time. It’s been a big factor for us and our happy marriage by staying open and honest about all things money!
Thanks, GS! It’s great that you and your wife meet regularly to discuss everything about your finances! Being completely transparent is so very important!!!
I love a good money date. Once a year we also have a yearly review, generally at the 1st of the year. We talk about everything we loved in the previous year, what we want to see happen in the next year, and how we feel about our direction. We have done it for over a decade and it’s still my favorite money date of the year!
I love the idea of doing an annual review with your partner! Rather than dealing with just the day-to-day finances, you can take a look at the big picture and adjust for the upcoming year. Getting a fresh start with new goals and direction each year is really motivating.
Talking to my husband about money was the first step for me in getting on the path to financial health. When I look back I’m amazed to think about how we just did not used to talk about money. It’s just too easy to avoid the topic… until you have no choice. I have seen personally how much it helps. When we talk about money we both get motivated to save money. For me, that motivation never stops taking effort. Not yet, at least. I am still tempted every day to order out for dinner, to splurge on things I want, to buy things that the kids ask for. It is a lot easier to resist more of those temptations when you are not doing it alone.
Having the support of your partner and working toward shared goals really helps keep you going when you feel like throwing in the towel. Though we don’t schedule a daily “money date”, my husband and I talk about something related to our money on a daily basis. Being completely transparent and supporting each other’s individual goals, as well as family goals keeps the motivation going. It can sometimes be hard to get the conversation started, but it pays off!
Only 37% of people talk about money with their family? I knew it was bad, but that’s really bad. I can’t imagine not at least attempting to get on the same page as a significant other when it comes to something as fundamental to your life together as money.
“Defensiveness or accusations should not be part of the conversation (agree on this prior to your date). ” This is a really good point. It is really easy to get defensive when talking about money. It’s easy to feel like you are being accused of having bad money habits or of not being capable of managing your own finances and that hurts. Both sides need to make a concerted effort to be careful in this aspect, especially in the first few conversations.
Great post, Amanda!
I know, Matt! I was surprised at that statistic too. I think the reason people avoid talking about money is because it can be such a loaded topic. There are so many variables and contributing factors to how people handle and think about money. It is easy to become quick to judge, but it isn’t productive and can be damaging. Our upbringing has more of an impact on how we think about money than we imagine – having a conversation about our childhood influences can be really helpful.
So…awkward comment time?
I can definitely say from experience that having a “money date” can be an incredible aphrodisiac for a money nerd.
TMI probably, but the woman I was able to talk openly about money with (she out-earned me AND spent less. I found her on eHarmony. Literally the one in a million woman. She was physically very beautiful too)
We had quite the passion. It’s too bad it ended up being a one month spring fling. 😀
Too funny, TJ! I have to say, I really am glad you shared! I admit, I debated about whether to include the “better sex” in my post, but I think it’s so true! I agree – when you connect with someone that thinks and believes the same way you do about money, and can talk openly about it, it could easily lead to…more!? In a very good way. 🙂
Great information, Amanda – but scary! It’s wise to have a stash of conversation openers if you find it hard to discuss finances with your partner. The what-do-you-want-your-life to look like in 5 years is a good one. Sometimes if you focus on goals and dreams it becomes easier to talk about money.
Thanks, Mrs. Groovy! Isn’t it scary that the majority of people are not having the discussion? I like to ask myself what I want my life to look like in 5 years on a regular basis to make sure how I’m living now is in line with those goals! I know what makes it so easy for my husband and I to talk about money is the trust, but also the joint, shared financial goals we have.
This is a good idea Amanda. A lot of our money is sorta on auto-pilot, so it’s a good idea for us to get together and make sure we’re on the same page. Never know what things might have changed.
Thanks, FP! We have almost everything automated as well. It is definitely a good idea to check in every once in a while to make sure your on track though!
I second Mr. Groovy’s comment here. Just talking numbers can be both intimidating and boring. As such, it’s an easy topic to avoid. But when you can talk about where you’d like to be as a couple in 1, 5, and 10 years…then you’ve opened the door.
Where you want to be is the goal.
How you plan to get there is the strategy.
Money is absolutely part of the strategy and it therefor becomes natural to talk about. It’s also easier for a couple to come together when you’re both working towards a common goal of “financial independence” or a “down payment on a house” or whatever, vs. a numeric goal of “saving 30%” or “building up a 6 month stash.”
Great reminder to all of us. Thanks for taking the time to write and post this.
Thanks, Ty! Agreed, it can be much more exciting to talk about plans and goals for the future. And as much as we may try to deny it, money almost always plays a part in those goals. The common goal is a huge motivator too. Once you have that goal and you’re both on the same page, you can get specific about the exact numbers and create some small wins along the way.
My wife and I try to have these atleast once a year when we sit down to write our goals. As Dave Ramsey say she is the nerd in the relationship and I am the free spirit. But for whatever reason I really enjoy having these convos. Maybe it’s because I want to see how much we can spend 🙂 Through these convos we definitely are able to get on the same page and I can’t say that we have fought about money.
Funny! My husband and I are both somewhat nerdy on the subject, but I guess I would sway more toward extreme nerdiness! 🙂 He knows when I’m about ready to fall asleep on the couch, he can bring up the topic of money (usually in the form of saving money) and I’ll wake right up. Weird, I know. Pf blogging suits me. I credit our (frequent) conversations for the lack of conflict about money in our relationship.
Jon and I ended up cautiously feeling each other out about financial responsibility on the first date. It was important to both of us. We haven’t stopped talking. We just did our quarterly net worth review, and find that to be a good way of keeping the conversation going.
Wow! The first date – you guys got a great start to the money conversations! It’s great you commit to the ongoing communication. We crunch the net worth numbers each month (maybe a little too frequently!?) and talk about them too. It’s a great way to evaluate those joint goals and make any adjustments.
Honestly we struggle a bit to do this, not from a fear perspective though. In our case my wife has minimal interest. That being said we do still do so a few times a year. Without it if anything ever happened to me she wouldn’t have the information about our accounts shed need to succeed.
It’s great that you still have the conversations regularly, even though your wife doesn’t have much interest. It’s important for both partners to, at the very least, be informed about where the accounts are and how to access them. At one point, we did an “audit” of what we had and listed all accounts in one place to access in case of an emergency.
Great tips. Over the years I have learned to go gentle when talking about finance and money as not everyone is too keen to learn about investments or how much one should save/invest. It took some time, but I got my wife interested in paying attention to her retirement account. Now, every few weeks she reports back to me how much her account has appreciated. It’s good to see her getting excited about her retirement account.
Thanks! Watching that compound interest in action is a great motivator, for sure! It’s great your wife is enjoying watching her account grow and you are discussing it.
This can definitely be awkward at first, but now we schedule them regularly and even look forward to them and move them up when we’re so excited we can’t wait! We plan saving for retirement, donations, travel, gifts, and home projects, often well in advance, which gives us time to appreciate the anticipation and come up with better ideas.
I agree, it can be awkward in the beginning. But once you get used to having the conversation and are working toward those shared goals, it’s can be fun! Planning for upcoming projects, trips, and other related things can really keep those goals on track too.