My family has survived (and thrived, like Ty’s family) on one income for over 16 years now. Cutting down to one income wasn’t always easy, but it was something we were willing to deal with to create the life we wanted. And it’s a choice we are grateful to have been able to make.
We did some things wrong.
We didn’t plan for me to stay home. In fact, we didn’t do a whole lot of planning at all back then. But when our child care provider (my mom) needed to get a real job, we decided I would quit my job. I didn’t make a huge income as a social worker, but it was enough to pay some bills, including our student loans.
We gave into lifestyle inflation. When we became accustomed to living on one income and our income started to go up, our spending went up too – mostly in the form of car payments. Though we’ve always been frugal to a certain extent, we bought into the assumption that debt was a fact of life. That belief contributed to a cycle of debt that lasted for almost 10 years.
We’ve since broken the cycle of debt and gotten our financial ducks in a row. Even though we made some financial mistakes in the beginning which slowed our progress, we did one key thing right. And this one thing has helped us successfully live on one income for many, many years.
The #1 reason we have successfully lived on one income for 16 years
We have a respectful, healthy relationship. Without that mutual respect, trust, transparency and communication, living on one income would be difficult and potentially miserable. Quite possibly impossible.
Having one breadwinner in the family is about more than just making the money work. Sure, being able to pay the bills on one income is an absolute necessity, but there are other, related, issues that many people don’t consider in the beginning – until they eventually surface.
You can’t talk about money in a vacuum. When it comes to money, we attach all sorts of feelings to it. Having one partner earning all the money and the other earning nothing can create money-related and other issues that go beyond the numbers.
4 Questions to ask before becoming a single income family
Will there be “your money” and “my money”, or is it “our money”?
Who pays the bills/handles the finances?
What about personal time? How will each partner get time for themselves?
What if the worst happens and you split up?
These questions go deeper than you imagine. Answering them and putting them into practice are two entirely different matters. If you are considering becoming a one income family, answer these questions and put them into practice before making the leap.
Here’s how we answered the questions
Will there be “your money” and “my money” or is it “our money”?
Thankfully, we combined all our finances when we got married, so we didn’t make any distinction from the beginning. It’s always been “our money” from the get go. This didn’t change when I quit working.
Alan never had any desire to take control just because he earned the money. For this, I’m grateful, because I don’t see any way it would have worked otherwise. In fact, if there hadn’t been a mutual respect for each of our contributions to the family, I would have probably either continued to work or went back to work after a couple of years.
Mutual trust, transparency and communication is the only way to make this work. Really.
Who pays the bills/handles the finances?
I pay the bills and track spending. That’s the way it’s been from the very beginning and it’s worked for us (though he took over for a short while after our son was born). In the beginning, I was probably a little more conservative with spending then Alan was. But, mostly, I was simply more organized then he was. (I actually like paying the bills and tracking everything – I’m weird that way).
Even though I’m the one who takes care of the bills and the day-to-day, we make all our financial decisions together. We check in with each other on a regular basis to see where we stand – checking and savings balances, retirement contributions, etc.
This is something both partners have to work out. It was easy for us, but some couples may need to work out a different system.
What about personal time? How will each partner get time for themselves?
When you have small children, personal time is an issue, no matter whether you have a stay at home parent or not. It’s easy to feel like you have no time to yourself, no matter what role you play in the family.
Personal time wasn’t always easy for us. After my daughter was born, my son had health issues. Between a cholicky, crying baby and a toddler in constant pain (and sometimes not able to walk), some days were difficult. Personal time was scarce for both of us during the first year of my daughter’s life.
But after that, we seemed to fall into a pattern. Grandparents would babysit to give us time together and we each had some of our own personal time. As the kids got older, this became easier and easier. Those first years are tough, no matter how you slice it. It really requires the mutual support of both partners to make it through unscathed.
Keeping resentment in check is really important. While the parent that goes to work might wish they didn’t have to go to work on some days, the stay-at-home parent may, at times, long to have their career back (or at least leave the house with a shower and spit up-free clothing). For us, communicating those feelings and being respectful of our different roles was the secret to making it work.
What if the worst happens and you split up?
This is a serious question. I never had any concerns about divorce, but I don’t think most people do in the beginning. We failed to address this issue early on. Thankfully it never became a problem for us.
If we were to split up, it would have been difficult for me (financially and otherwise). As time passed and I spent more and more time out of the workforce, getting a good job would have been harder. Though I could have made it work, it would have been difficult, especially when the kids were young enough to need child care.
One huge mistake I made was not keeping up on continuing ed and my professional licensure (I didn’t want to spend the money 🙁 ). That said, I could probably get up to speed and be back to work within a few months. After several years of being at home, my skills aren’t fresh, but I’ve continued to be involved in volunteer and other opportunities over the years. I wouldn’t make a killing, but I’m employable.
Since we’ve learned to survive and thrive on one income throughout the years, we can’t imagine it any other way – except if both of us were had the option not to work (which is, hopefully, on the horizon in a few years!).
I think it’s great you both have communicated so well. I don’t think anyone plans on getting divorce, but it can happen. I do think though, that it’s only in the stories we tell ourselves that we can’t make money after a long period of time “off” or get back into the work force. As tough as it is to think about, I think it’s always smart to have a contingency plan.
Thanks, Tonya! I probably should have made the point that it took time to figure everything out. Those communication skills didn’t just happen, we had to work at it. It is smart to have a contingency plan! I definitely didn’t give as much thought to mine as I should have.
We were not always great at the communication end of the stay at home parent experience, and sometimes it showed. Although the money was always our money, we didn’t have the same spending habits or attitudes, and I didn’t always do a great job of pushing Jon to look after his own retirement stash with our joint funds as well as I should have.
Now that we can afford to both be home more than not, we’ve also had some adjustments in splitting the household responsibilities again. He still does a lot and gets a little protective over some jobs, and I still let him (and feel guilty.) I’m still the “fun parent” more often than not, even if I took over homework herdswoman duties. The balance doesn’t automatically shift just because the kids move on, the jobs shift, or life changes.
Alan and I started our relationship at 18, so we figured out adulthood together. And we didn’t have the same spending habits early on either. Plus, we both had different goals for work and family. I think it takes time to figure all this out and talking about it regularly was the key for us. This doesn’t mean we always agreed on everything though…
I think it takes some time to figure out household responsibilities (we’ve been together for 20+ years, so we’ve got this down now – not so much in the very beginning). For us, we each have our “chores” we are particular about and it’s just better if we each do those things ourselves (for me, it’s cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming, for him, it’s the garage/tools/maintenance and dishes). But other responsibilities really depend on who has the time to do them and if they are a priority.
Funny how communication is the key to lots of things 🙂 But you’re right – money can be a contentious issues so you’d better make certain that you and your s/o are on the same page.
Also, whether or not you’re in a single or dual income household, I think it’s wise to live off of just one income. Not only would you be able to save a huge % of your money, but if a job loss occured, you’d already be set up to handle it.
Thanks for the shout out to my post as well!
grrr. *Occurred*
I think resentment can build if you aren’t communicating, especially when one parent isn’t working. Especially when the kids are young and you don’t feel like you have much time to talk.
Totally agree on living on one income, even if it’s a dual income household. Great advice! We did this for a while when we were first married and were off to a really good start because of it. Then we let lifestyle inflation take over…and took on more debt.
Great post. We are a dual income couple right now, but I have thought about the possibility of becoming a single income household when we have children. What I have realized is that I have so much fear about this because it just makes me feel super vulnerable, a lot of which comes from observing my parents’ situation (who divorced after nearly thirty years of marriage) and what that meant for my mother in particular, who had sacrificed those years of employment for us. She was well-educated and hella employable and she was totally okay, but the struggle was still very much real. It’s so great to see how much thought and communication you and your partner have put into this, especially with considering any/all future possible scenarios. Thank you for the insights!
Thanks, Kate! I completely understand the vulnerability, especially after seeing your mom struggle after your parents’ divorce. The risk is real. Communication is the key in the relationship, but I also think having a plan for re-entry into the workforce is a great insurance plan. I should have kept up on my professional license and continuing ed. I went wrong there, but I did make a ton of connections through volunteering and working at the kids’ school – and having these connections could land me a job pretty quickly.
We live on close to one income today, as soon as my student loans are gone we definitely will be living on one. Mrs AE doesn’t like dealing with our day to day finances, we just talk about significant changes and make sure they are aligned with our goals.
Being on the same page financially and trusting your significant other is a huge asset. Can’t imagine what it would be like if weren’t committed to the same goals.
It’s awesome that you are so close to living on one income! It sounds like you and Mrs. AE have a method that works really well for you. Having those shared goals is HUGE!
Right now my hubby is the only one who works outside of the home. We never even considered living on one income, but after losing my job, it was a pleasant surprise when I realized that we could totally do the one income thing with no big issues. It’s a relief to know and I’m grateful for my online income too. My goal is to earn enough to replace his income and give him the option of leaving the workforce as well. But I don’t see that happening. My man likes to work:)
It’s great that things worked out when you lost your job, Latoya! 🙂 I would guess you had your finances (and communication!) pretty well under control before that moment. I would like to see my husband be able to step away from the 9-5 as well – he likes to work, but would like to try something new and different.
Mrs. Need2Save and I were married at the tender age of 23, so it has always been ‘our’ money. Within three years of marriage, we had our two sons and we decided it would be best for our family if Mrs. N2S stayed home with the kids. We lived on one income for about six years until she went back to work part-time and then eventually full-time.
Living on one income helped us save more when she returned to work, as we were accustomed to that lifestyle. Not saying that we haven’t had some lifestyle creep with the extra income…
As you point out – open communication is key. Overall it’s been a pretty smooth 21 years 🙂
Like you, we married young – at 22. I think this makes it easier to combine finances since we started out “adulthood” together. Yes! I’m sure living on one income for those years set you up to save more when Mrs. Need2save started working. It’s the same for us – I’ve worked part-time now and plan to work again soon, so it’s bonus savings (as long as we keep that lifestyle creep in check!).
Such a great post Amanda. We have also been a one income family for the vast majority of our almost 18 year marriage. I think that my wife and I sharing the same values has really helped make it a success, and contributed to a healthy marriage. While I realize that my contribution as a bread winner is important, I’ve always felt as though her commitment to being a stay at home mom all of these years is of far greater value to our family, and I think she’s always sensed that and felt the support. We have certainly made sacrifices financially, and we also fell into some lifestyle inflation for a time as well, but looking back, we wouldn’t change a thing. (Except the lifestyle inflation haha)
Thanks, MMM! 🙂 It’s that respect for each other that is a huge part of making it work. As you say, you have realized the greater value for your family is for her to be home and she knows you feel that way. It’s this that makes it sooooo much easier for me. I actually worked full-time for a brief stint a few years ago, and we both decided it wasn’t worth the extra stress and time – at least for a while (but, I admit, the extra money was nice!).
Honestly the hardest part I’ve heard of with other couples is the feeling of the non working spouse that the working spouse is controlling the money and from the opposite that the non working spouse is spending all the money. That is the case with some friends of ours. We made due on one income for only a short while. From October of last year until now. My wife is about to go back to work as a contractor, a story for another day. As such I don’t feel that we settled down enough to have a personal experience.
Yep! I think that’s spot on, FTF! I think couples run into the most problems when their goals and values aren’t necessarily aligned. And the only way to work toward that is to communicate. Wishing you and your wife the best in her new position!
Great post, Amanda! Every couple planning on building a future and family together should read it. I have a friend who could have written this post, and then one day she was shocked when her husband walked out of the marriage. It was “the worst” thing. Being widowed would have been easier. Despite the devastation of that betrayal, she had been such a good manager of money through the 20 years of their marriage that she was able to keep on living in the family home (mortgage-free) and keep being a stay-at-home mom. There is no downside to managing personal finances well. Whether good events or bad events come your way, financial strength is always good to have.
Thanks, Ruth! The “worst” thing can and does happen. It’s a good thing your friend had been a good money manager and it’s great she was able to continue to be a stay-at-home mom. I don’t think that’s typically the way that scenario plays out but, like you say, managing your finances goes a long way toward handling everything life throws at you.
We don’t live on one income, but we have definitetely talked about it for when we do have kids. Those are such important questions! Early in our marriage my wife and I were also intentional about answering those questions. We also combined our finances right away and decided that I would do the money. Both of those things have been super helpful in staying on the same page and striving toward our goals together. The biggest struggle we have is personal time, especially with my wife being an introvert. We don’t have kids yet, so we will have to be communicating a lot when that happens to make sure we both get our own free time!
It sounds to me like you’re on the right path with the communication and planning! We were always pretty good at communicating, but we didn’t always plan as well as we should. The personal time doesn’t get any easier with kids – that does require a ton of communication. And babysitters are very helpful! 🙂
Informative post and something that my wife and I have discussed. Having 2 young kids, it would definitely be nice to have one parent at home…though it would be tougher financially. Those are important questions to ask. After we got married, we partially combined finances (deposited a portion of our paychecks into a joint account) but later decided to just combine everything which just works better and is simpler. Mutual respect and communication are very important!
Even when our kids are school aged, I think it would be nice to have a parent at home since school ends at like 2:30 and we won’t get back from work until around 6. Plus there are holidays/summer break etc. One concern I have, which is probably not true for everyone and I’m having hard time expressing is the stay at home parent coping with isolation while raising the kid and dealing with “losing” their kids to adulthood. My mom worked at times but for a big part of our lives, she was a stay at home mom. I think her sole focus was on the kids that when we grew up, the “empty nest” syndrome seemed extra tough on her. I guess if she had a career then some of her interests/focus would be on something else which might have eased that transition. Not really a financial issue, but I’d be interested on your thoughts on that!
Thanks, Andrew! In the beginning, it was really difficult for us, financially, so I understand that issue. That’s where the planning would have helped us!
I tell my husband (jokingly) our kids are spoiled because there is always someone home when they get home from school. Plus, for years they went to a “choice” public school which meant we had to take them and pick them up (still doing it for our youngest). Next year we won’t have to worry about the transportation (and I’m already looking for a job!).
I think you’re right – isolation could become an issue if you don’t guard against it. I have had to be very intentional about joining groups, volunteering, working on hobbies and taking on projects to keep this in check. I think all of these things will make the transition to “empty nest” much easier. Though my main priority has been to be a good mom and be there for the kids when they need me, they aren’t the sole focus of my time as they get older. Also, I do plan to work – on our real estate investing (managing the properties) as well as part-time employment. I think it’s really important to have an identity besides “stay at home mom”. Also, it’s interesting how the kids kind of “train” you for their absence – they just aren’t home as much when they hit the teen years. My son spends most of his weekends and some evenings through the week outside of the house – and I think this will make the transition easier.
This is really useful information. My wife and I haven’t had to make this call because we don’t have kids yet, but we have worked hard to set ourselves up so that we have the option financially to go either way. For the last few years we have been checking our spending and holding back on lifestyle inflation to the point where we now could get by on either one of our salaries. We are planning on both continuing to work at the moment, but I can imagine actually holding your child in your arms can change your priorities very quickly.
I’m glad it helps, Matt. I think it’s great you and your wife have set yourselves up in a way that you will have options. That’s where we failed on this issue. Planning wasn’t our forte back then. Thankfully, we were able to make it work. One of the main deciding factors for me staying home was finances. Day care is pretty expensive and by the time we paid for that, we wouldn’t have much left of my paycheck (I was on contract as a social worker with no benefits). And, you’re right about holding that baby in your arms. Every day I went to work, even when my mom was babysitting, all I could think about was getting back home…
When we got married, we created a joint account and all paychecks went in there. It’s made things a lot easier for us. I can’t imagine trying to dole out who’s money is who’s. Luckily both of us are good with money, and we were able to live off of less than one salary for years. Over time saving more money also meant having even less to worry about 🙂
As several others commented, I think it’s wise to live on one income (or half your Income, if single) even if it’s unnecessary. It just sets you up for greater financial security and lets you save for unforeseen circumstances. There is of course the risk of losing employability the longer one partner doesn’t work, but living below one’s means is a good idea regardless. I know I feel awesome knowing we can still get by on one income for a couple more years! Then, once I’m back to full-time work, we’ll really be able to turn up the heat on retirement savings!
Agreed, Mrs. COD! Living on one income, regardless, can be really beneficial in so many ways. We are so accustomed to living on the one income that when I do make money, we can really sock it away – just like you! 🙂
Lots of good points here, Amanda. One other issue is dealing with/planning for job loss. In a two income family, a job loss means roughly 50% income drop. In a single income family, job loss means 100% of the income is gone. And as you mentioned, the stay at home parent will have a harder time picking up a job. It just makes emergency cash that much more important.
Thanks, Daniel! Fantastic point (that I should have included!!!)! There needs to be a contingency plan for that too! We actually had a plan for a bare bones budget in case Alan lost his job. We went through each line item and decided what could be stopped or delayed to make it for a few months. That’s how we figured up our emergency fund at the time. We wanted to be able to get through 6 months on this minimal budget, which would, hopefully be enough time for one of us to get a job.
All excellent questions. This stuff runs true to my heart as I’ve seen several people close to me suffer from financial abuse via their spouses. Also, I watched as my mom floundered big time after my parents’ divorce because she had no plan and hadn’t kept up her skills. I’m confident in my marriage, but I’ll never leave myself unprepared to support our family. Great post, Amanda!
Financial abuse is real – but we’re so afraid to talk about money, it’s hard for people to even begin to talk about this issue. And it’s really a relationship issue. One partner having complete control can be dangerous and detrimental to everyone involved. I can see how your mom’s struggles provided a good example for you. I should have kept up my skills too – I understand that most people don’t think the relationship will end, but it’s wise to be prepared.
You’ve done incredibly to do this for 16 years, especially when you hadn’t really planned it!
I was unemployed for 8 months last year, so during that time we lived on my husband’s income and I found it so so tough, even though we’d planned for it as a potential eventuality.
It wasn’t the finances that were tough in the end, it was the emotional aspect. I felt guilty that the compromises we were making were because I wasn’t working. I would happily support him in the same way and would hate if he felt guilty, but it’s difficult to control the way you feel sometimes.
Thanks so much, Sarah! It really wasn’t planned. In fact, if you would have told me 17 years ago I would be a SAHM for this long, I would have laughed hysterically.
Financially, it was really hard for us to live on the one income at first, especially with a baby (plus we had debt!). The first few years were tough, but that’s when I honed all the frugal habits – many of which I still have today!
I hear you on the guilt. I could write an entire book on the emotional aspect. The guilt is still there, all these years later. We still talk about it regularly so we can both process it. Alan has guilt that I haven’t had the career I planned and I have guilt about not contributing to the bottom line. But we support and respect each other, plus we made the decision together, so there is no real logical reason to even have the guilt. You’re right, it’s hard to control it…I still haven’t figured it out.
Really insightful post. With no kids and my wife pursuing her masters in counseling, it’s very difficult for either of us to imagine EITHER of us not working, but I think it’s important to never say never about these things. We have jokingly(?) talked about me working from home when she is completely done with school, but we both know that I would be working on building some sort of business. So it just might happen a year or so down the road!
Thanks, DC! It was never part of the plan for us either…you never know. 🙂 It’s really great that you may be able to work on building your business so soon!
This is so interesting Amanda! Because in all my (pipe) dreams of one of us not having to work, I’ve never given a moment’s thought about any of these things at all. But of course it makes sense. There are days that I am so miserable to have to go to the office, and days when I am literally running out the door because I can’t wait to get to the relative peace and focus of being at work. There are challenges at both places, so I can imagine how it would take a lot of getting on the same page to make sure everyone feels good about the situation. There was a short period when my oldest son was about 2 where my husband was out of work for a few months. It was amazing, having a parent at home full time. I secretly wished it would last forever.
You’re right, there are challenges on both sides – and it’s really important to talk about it together. If both partners aren’t on the same page, I don’t think it could work, at least it couldn’t work well. I think if you can work out the emotional (and financial) side of it out and get on the same page, it’s easier to have a parent at home. We got spoiled by the time and energy it saves overall.
This is so important, Amanda. If we don’t have good relationships, then why are we working so hard? To retire and spend more time with someone we don’t like or respect?
Even if it takes counseling and hard work, it’s essential to ensure that a marriage is healthy and respectful.
Thanks, Julie! You make a great point – it does take hard work (and sometimes counseling) to keep the relationship healthy and respectful. For us, it didn’t just magically happen as soon as we got married. Plus, life and relationships change over time, making it necessary to do things each and every day to maintain a relationships. Open communication is a great start – no always easy, but necessary, in my opinion.
My wife & I went through these questions when I changed careers. The “our money” part makes the other financial decisions much easier. We do both have a little personal spending money each month, but, we consolidated our bank accounts to make tracking our income & expenses much, much easier.
Having consolidated bank accounts has worked really well for us too, Josh. I know it’s not for every couple, but it’s easier for us to track and manage, and makes everything transparent.
We’ve been a single-income family for the last 5 years and our answers to the four questions are very similar.
I think one thing that helps make things work for us is that we have me as the earner and my wife as the one paying the bills – this really helps to make sure that we’re both aware of what’s going on in our finances and encourages us to make those decisions together. If either one of us had both roles I think it’d be easier for the other one of us to be disconnected.
Yes! I completely agree with you on the bill paying, Chris. Since I’m very involved in all aspects of the finances, it encourages us to communicate and make the decisions together. Great insight there. Thanks so much! 🙂
When we lived on 1 income the key for us was being completely open with the finances. It kept everyone involved. The only times we would hide anything from each other was during xmas 😉
The personal time aspect came up naturally but it probably would have made things a lot smoother if we had these questions during that time.
Transparency is huge! But, it does make gift giving a tad more difficult. 🙂
I think those questions probably come up for everyone, but answering them before experiencing them would be super helpful. Thanks for your comment!
The other thing (related to breakup) that is a real killer is that the (now ex) spouse who didn’t work now has no pension, no social security (though they can have half their ex spouses if married over 10 years, but still, that’s only half) 🙁
This can be true too. Personally, I have my own retirement and taxable account set up. While I’m a fan of combining checking/savings accounts in general, it’s beneficial to have some separate savings for retirement, in my opinion.
Sorry I missed this the first go around!! Very good advice for all. I came from a divorced home where I’m sure none of these questions where considered. I then got a divorce because we couldn’t get #1 right (amongst other issues!). Now my best friend is going through her child rearing years and is struggling with #3. These things touch all of us. Congrats to you both for having such respect for each other and for to navigating the waters together. Much easier when you have a good partner. 🙂
No worries at all, Miss Mazuma! It’s impossible to get to every post out there. Though we had an idea of where we stood on many of the questions in the beginning, we weren’t perfect. Communication is the secret. I think having the open communication and talking about it before it becomes a big problem is the best way to go, otherwise those problems can spiral out of control. And, I absolutely agree, it is much easier when you have a good partner! 🙂