Summer Job Prospects Good for Teen Zombies

Summer Job Prospects Good for Teen Zombies

Zombie girlEvery school break our teenagers transform into zombies. Breathing, but hardly living; they’re practically comatose, moving only their fingers to change the channel or “like” a video.

These are Zombies 2.0 – they won’t eat your brains, but they will make your head hurt.

This year we vow to fight back. We’re going to make our zombies get summer jobs. Pushing carts, scooping gelato, cutting lawns – we don’t care. We urge more parents to join the Resistance Against Zombies.

The Resistance is well armed, with new research that shows it will be easier for teens to find work this summer than in the past five years. The Ipsos Public Affairs survey gives parents an arsenal of weapons for every counterattack:

When our zombies grunt there are no jobs:
We will shout: 68% of seasonal hiring managers will hire this summer, and 19% plan to hire more summer workers than last year!

When our zombies grumble about low pay:
We will cry out: The average wage will be $11.50 an hour! That’s 60-cents more than just last summer! NOTE: The resistance does not recommend explaining to your zombie how much you made as a teenager as it will only lead to dreaded eye rolling.

When our zombies howl about difficulty finding work:
We will retaliate: 33% of hiring managers said it should be easy for a teenager to find a job this year!

For this well crafted arsenal, we thank Snagajob placement company for commissioning the survey. But we know the battle has just begun. A single survey of 1,000+ seasonal hiring managers is only a small sampling across our vast nation.

Our zombies are determined to spend the summer in a comatose position, and we fully expect them to launch a counter-counterattack. Be warned: In dire situations, even apathetic zombies can transform into cunning adversaries!

“But Mom, the U.S. has a 7.7% unemployment rate! The Bureau of Labor says when you look at kids 16-19, that number was 25% in February!” – Gulp.

“But Dad, more than 4 million kids couldn’t find jobs last summer or the summer before that! Why should this year be different? – Uh…

“Anyway, Mom, who is going to hire a zombie without experience?” – Well….

It is a startling turnaround when an indifferent zombie uses calm logic against an unsuspecting parent. If this happens to you, don’t panic! Stay calm and positive, it will cause most zombies to drop their guard.

Remind your teenager that anyone can learn to stock shelves or flip hamburgers, they just have to be open to the experience. Most teenagers quickly discover they enjoy being treated like an adult; having responsibility, proving they are capable and making money. The key is getting them to believe that the experience will be better than zoning out on the couch all summer.

To all members of the Resistance Against Zombies, if you want to win this battle, you have to start the counterattack now. We all know how fast zombies move, and Snagajob’s survey shows many employers have already started hiring for the summer.

• 30% of summer jobs will be filled by the end of April
• 77% of summer jobs will be filled by the end of May
• Only 10% of summer jobs are filled during June

You will also have to fight against your teenager’s unrealistic expectations. Filling out applications at fancy boutiques and clothing stores can be a great exercise for your teenage daughter – but the odds are pretty low that she will score her first job at Wet Seal.

Encourage your zombie to think beyond the lofty mall and dreaded fast food joint; consider places like the gym and city recreational centers, golf courses and theme parks, day camps and pet stores.

If you are determined to see your zombie work this summer, pull out the parenting playbook for your last move. Tell them if they don’t find a job, you will get them a position volunteering. They will still get the benefits of responsibility, without the benefit of pay. That will get their zombie heart racing.

As members of the Resistance Against Zombies, parents have a responsibility to keep their teenager’s brains functioning during the summer. But, you’ll have to start early – you know how zombies drag their feet.

8 thoughts on “Summer Job Prospects Good for Teen Zombies

  1. Joe

    Excellent article. Teenagers need to learn how to work without complaining.

    1. Laura Slawny

      Thanks Joe, I think teenagers act more mature when they are not around their parents or teachers, which is why a summer job is the perfect way to help them grow up!

  2. Bill Carter

    Took you advise and started spouting off the facts and figures on the survey. For a moment he raised his eyes and in that zombie voice said “brains” now my wife and I are trapped in the bathroom. Now what???

    1. Laura Slawny

      Hmmmm.. It may be a lingering effect from spring break. Luckily, the teen zombie has an extremely short attention span and will soon wander off to the kitchen for snacks. Perhaps you should take it easy on him this weekend with just some light chores. Ramp up slowly – no power tools or shovels. Oh, and maybe get some helmets.

      1. FMT Staff

        As a former teen zombie not so long ago, my advice is to be fully stocked up with delicious snacks, particularly, twinkies.

        Wait…Uh OH


        1. Laura Slawny

          We are waiting to see a study to see the effects of Snowballs

  3. Roger

    I remember when I had my first job as a teenager and how I was treated differently than at home. It was motivating, sorta. Still, my goals every summer day were to sleep in and stare at the tube. Like a zombie. You captured it nicely. Well done.

  4. Laura Slawny

    Every teenager should have some veg time, we all do. It can recharge your brain, just like a nap. But just like a snooze on a Sunday afternoon – if you sleep too long you get exhausted and the rest of the night is ruined.

    And for me, it was Ding-Dongs.

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